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"To keep everyone safe, keep your limits simple, clear and confident – aim to avoid pleading or being aggressive in saying no. Let him know that you won’t let him lash out, that you’re keeping everyone safe and helping him with those big feelings of frustration.  She needs to see that you see her big feelings not just her behaviour which is only the outward symptom.  A stressed child needs to see hat you can care about and empathize with her frustration “I see this is really hard for you, I can help”, “I care about *all* your feelings, I’m going to stay here and care for you until you feel better.”

Avoid isolating, threating unpleasant consequences or punishing or otherwise giving your child the message that you don’t want to interact with her when she’s angry as this can instill shame.  In my work with families, children of all ages often describe to me what they truly feel about themselves and their parents when put in time out, and they are just not the messages that we want any child to embody.  It’s not necessary and can lead to long term feelings of aloneness when they have problems and difficult feelings.

Your child especially needs your loving care and guidance when he’s angry, anger is a tough and often overhwleming emotion and deserves empathy.  The child needs your loving support with their feelings of anger (thatare allowed) when they act aggressively (which is not allowed).  Avoid shaming him when he lashes out, he’s already struggling with difficult feelings and needs help in coming back to peace with himself and his world.  Kids act well when they feel well."